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Fifteen bedroom secrets all men should know

15:30 Thu Nov 8 2012
Camille Pollett
Who wouldn't want to take some tips from Camille?

Statistically, at any given time there are 79,000,000 people dancing in the sheets. So why aren't you one of them? It could be you're just butt ugly. More likely, though, you're making a few mistakes that are easily fixed. Heed these secrets from hottie Camille Pollett, then pass them on Chinese whispers-style to your mates. That way, you'll be knee-deep in babes...

1 - Wordsmiths beware
While whispering sweet nothings into your lady's ear will improve your chances of becoming her own personal interior decorator, you should never use the word "coitus" unless you're a hip-hop musician and you need a word that rhymes with "annoyed us".

2 - Sweating the details
I get it: you think a little bit of man-sweat makes you come across as some kind of sexy labourer. You might be right, but there's a fine line between sexy labourer and sweaty labrador. Having poor hygiene is a deal breaker (note: special-interest groups with poor hygiene fetishes are an exception).

3 - Damn you, chick flicks!
For some reason these movies have drilled into guys that immediately after the latest storming of our trenches we have an undeniable need to be held. Sarah Silverman said it best: "The only reason women want to cuddle after sex is because we're f**king freezing." Just draw an imaginary line down the middle of the bed and let us relax for a bit.

4 - Don't turn off the lights
Women can be fickle creatures, so why waste time fumbling in the dark? Sure, some insecure girls might not dig it, but if you look good naked, keep the lights on. If she looks good naked, but you don't, do it with the lights on anyway! Just hide her glasses first.

5 - Accessory deal breakers
Men who wear sunnies at night don't look cool, rich or sexy. They look as if they should be following a dog. The same goes for flat-rimmed hats. When I see them, I change from a possible hook-up to a slightly deranged she-bat who you'll never get a chance with.

6 - Assembling the troops
You're in the bedroom planning your final assault on downtown vagina. You're marshalling your girl into increasingly frenetic formations, trying to find a way through her seemingly impenetrable defence. Chill. There's no need to shout orders like a coach with a megaphone — chances are we have a pretty good idea of what we're doing.

7 - Girls change their mind
Just because your girl isn't howling at the ceiling like a wolf now doesn't mean she won't ever. Women change their mind all the time, so if your chick doesn't find your fetish for wearing Hello Kitty eye masks appealing now, it's all good. She'll warm to the idea eventually.

8 - Start at your place
Most men don't know how to get chicks back to their place. Instead of picking her up, have her meet you at your pad and leave from there. When the date is over, she'll have to go back to yours. When you get there, say: "I've got some work to do, but you can come in for a minute." Then just walk in, you conniving ol' fox.

9 - Our comfort equals your happiness
Think of sliding down a water slide, but without water. It's painful for you and, if it could talk and get over the time The Biggest Loser cast used it, the slide would agree it's not pleasurable. So, if you're checking our oil levels, make sure your dipstick is lubricated.

10 - Be a man, man
Thankfully, the metrosexual fad has died down. But they weren't all bad. For one, they could dress. Well, maybe not all of them, but look at model Kris Smith: he was a rugby player in England, knocked up Dannii Minogue and made stubble fashionable. But he also dresses well. The better you dress directly correlates to our anticipation of unwrapping the snappily dressed present you are.

11 - Set the scene
There's a reason apartment buildings aren't named after Norman Bates. Too many family photos on the bedside table are troubling. However, removing all furnishings in an attempt to present yourself as a blank canvas makes us ponder if you're actually just squatting there. As a guide, ask yourself: would James Bond kit out his place like this?

12 - Forceful fingers
Many hands make light work, right? Actually, no. Not when it comes to women, anyway. Sure, most girls are partial to a bit of a roughening up later on, but for now, attacking a girl's lady cave like you're trying to stuff bank notes up a chimney tends to spoil the mood. Take it easy, tiger.

13 - Tell me why
Girls love compliments, especially when they're seemingly innocuous. The key is to plant a seed in her mind before you plant a seed in her, er... you get the point. If she feels sexy, she'll be open to suggestion. And if your lady is open to suggestion, you just might be able to convince her your Michael Schumacher-themed role-playing is completely normal.

14 - Location, location, location!
If you're not regularly making your lady hit the high notes in the sack, mix it up a bit. The dinner table, the back seat of the car in a secluded location and the edge of your neighbour's pool are all potential places to get that "this-is-slightly-wrong-but-oh-so-hot" feeling pulsing through your girl's veins. There's even an application on Google Maps to permanently tag your location conquests!

15 - Be challenging
The golden rule of all missions that are destined to end in her downtown, dining and recreation district is to keep the power. Women crave men who are a challenge, so make the girl work a little bit. If she's remotely keen, she'll respond. If not, then move on — apparently there's a man drought, so don't stress.

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