If you believe all the feminist propaganda being thrust upon today's modern man, there are more points of interest on a female body than any map. While we're yet to confirm if there's any truth behind such bizarre misinformation, it's best to heed these bedroom warnings and you'll be cruising on easy street.
DON'T: Get all tangled up
Getting tied up is awesome if you're Indiana Jones, because he knows he'll inevitably escape the Nazis with just enough time left to shag a nubile young vixen. Not you, though. Sure, the sheets may seem like an innocent way to hide your ever-broadening beer gut and budgie-smuggler tan, but they're also a mood killer. There’s nothing sexy about getting so tangled up in the sheets that your girl has to pause the action to perform a rescue.
Try this instead: The same can be said for her clothes and the sheets: if you're sending any of your appendages on a deep-sea exploration mission, lose anything that could impede the success of your objective.
DON'T: Blow too hard in her ear
Admit it: some kid at school told you girls love this. And if there's one place where you can get dodgy intel it's the school yard.
Try this instead: Imagine whispering into a girl's ear — that's about the level of air she wants anywhere near her ear canal. There's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your birthday cake.
DON'T: Leave evidence of your filth
Depending on your gender, there's nothing more awful/hilarious than catching your pet wandering around the house with your used condom hanging out of its mouth in full view of your roommates (or even worse: your parents).
Try this instead: Proper condom disposal is the man's responsibility. While it may seem like a trivial point to make, you can bet you'll never have to worry about getting your solider into his battle gear if your missus wakes up the next morning with your love glove stuck to the bottom of her foot after an early-morning bathroom visit.
DON'T: Thank her
Even if your girlfriend just forked over her live savings to coerce two Swedish volleyball-playing twins into the bedroom, there's no reason to start worshipping her like she's just managed to synthesise beer and pizza into a chewable pill. Of course your girl knows you're thankful — you just had sex.
Try this instead: Instead of turning the bedroom into a soup kitchen, just smile and feel safe in the knowledge that you can now lay claim to not satisfying three women at once.
DON'T: Put a show on for your pet
No matter how much you love little Mittens, throw her outside your door when you are ready to do the dirty deed. Because if you don't already know, cats don't really give a shit about much else besides themselves. So it is probably going to crawl up next to you and lick itself to sleep while you're trying to do your thing. Having a dog's even worse — who can handle the insecurity that comes with performing doggy style in front of a master?
Try this instead: Give it something to chew on or play with and lock the bastard out — you're not filming a bestiality flick. Or, if you are, you shouldn't be, so there's no reason for your pet to be in the bedroom.
DON'T: Try to not-so-accidentally grope her
Instead of going straight for the boob grope, a lot of guys will gauge a potential mate's interest by easing themself alongside her and sneaking a stealthy, ninja-like boob brush.
Try this instead: Use the "pool test". Much like diving into a pool, try looking for signals to ascertain the level of warmth you're about to dip in to. Of course, if she's making an effort to be close to you or is in any way disrobing (excluding taking her handbag off to whack you with it), all bets are off and you're free to dive right in.
DON'T: Undress her awkwardly
Have you ever tried to undress a woman in the dark? Of course you haven't — if you had, you'd be out doing that now instead of sitting under the covers in your bedroom reading this with a torch. Trust us, it's no easy
task. Women hate looking stupid, but she'll look stupid naked at the waist with a shirt stuck over her head.
Try this instead: Channel some Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies: take a seat and ask her to strip for you. Whether or not you want to go the whole hog and have your girl dress up as an escort is entirely your call. However, we feel it retains some of the authenticity.
DON'T: Play Wes Carr's music
It goes without saying that anything Wes Carr plays is your sexual Superwoman's Kryptonite. And, for the love of Christ, don't press shuffle on your iPod. There's a 350 percent chance the techno remix of the Mario Bros theme song will come on and ruin the mood faster than her discovering that stiff-as-cardboard rag underneath your bed.
Try this instead: Apparently, music relays a message about where the night is headed. So, if you're going to play Smack My Bitch Up, be prepared to show your strong pimp hand frequently. Actually, don't. Whatever music you play, make sure it's the same throughout. There's nothing in the world that smoothly segues Mastodon with Michael Buble.
DON'T: Play Jeopardy!
Don't be that guy. It's ingrained in your DNA to offer up answers for any questions posed, but rhetorical questions don't need to be acknowledged with a technically correct answer. For example, if your girl manages to be aroused by your fumbling advances and, in a moment of ecstasy, ponders about how you attained such woman-pleasing prowess, don't reveal it was through extensive RedTube tutorials. It's just weird.
Try this instead: In the rare event that you do get complimented on your bedroom skills, just smile and nod like you've heard it before.
DON'T: Take off your pants first
While it's suitable attire for a few Sunday night beers while you stare down the barrel of another work week, strangely, women find it offensive.
Try this instead: If you can't be arsed conforming to her draconian disrobing rules, you could pull out the ultimate "business casual" move and compliment your no underwear look with a set of more formal jandals.
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