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How to have a 'no strings attached' arrangement

By Hugh Wilson
How to have a 'no strings attached' arrangement
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There are any number of reasons why you might be looking for a 'no strings attached' relationship. Perhaps you've just split up with a long-term girlfriend and feel emotionally fragile.

Maybe you want to devote the lion's share of your time to your career, leaving no time for full-on romantic commitment.

Whatever the reason, not wanting a serious relationship doesn't mean you're happy to miss out on female companionship altogether. So if you're looking for a friend with all sorts of benefits, here's how to handle it.

Be honest
You might want no strings attached fun, but you don't want to hurt anyone. Be honest from the start and let any potential bedmates decide if they're happy with what you're offering.

Luring a string of women into bed with the illusory promise of long-term romance will cause pain and resentment, and your reputation will soon go before you. Being honest about your intentions may lose you a couple of potential bedpost notches, but at least it makes you a decent bloke.

"What men don't realise is that — whisper it — we like the odd 'no strings attached' thing as well," says Lorna, 30. "But everyone has to be straight from the start."

It's not just about sex
You may think that a no strings attached relationship is primarily about sex, and for some people it is. But you may find it offers a lot more besides.

If you start sleeping with a friend, remember that the term 'friends with benefits' gives equal weight to the 'friends' bit. Don't just make it about sex. Have fun, in the same way you did before the 'benefits' kicked in. Go out together (as friends, not partners). Be there when she needs to moan about the boss. Then, when the benefits end, you might still have the friendship.

But it is about sex (for both of you)
"One problem with agreeing to no strings attached is that the sex can be crap," says Lisa, 32. "The bloke isn't impressing his girlfriend, or someone who he wants as a girlfriend, so he doesn't put in the effort."

It's a fair point. You might want no strings attached for the uncomplicated sexual satisfaction, but guess what, so does she. In other words, bring your A game to the bedroom, else the benefits won't last for long.

If you do, you could be in for a treat. Sex without all the emotional baggage and personal politics of a relationship can be the best sex of all.

Respect her rules
She's not your girlfriend so respect her boundaries. Just because you're feeling amorous at two in the morning doesn't mean she is. No late-night cold calling, and no pressure for impromptu liaisons (ask the question, by all means, but respect her response).

There's another point about boundaries, says Lisa. "A bloke might say, let's keep it no strings attached, but then ask you out for dinner. That sounds a bit like a date. It's a tricky balancing act — how do you stop it becoming something more?"

It's not easy, but one simple rule applies. If she seems to want more, and you don't, it's time to get out. And if you start wanting more but she still doesn't, the same is true.

The downsides
The upsides of the arrangement are many, but there are real downsides too. Emotional attachment is one. And remember, you didn't want a girlfriend at the start, so you can't start expecting her to be one just because you've found out what a great lover she is.

So if she has more than one friend with benefits on the go, you've got to be fine with it. If she falls in love with one of them, you have to wish her well and quietly back away. If she tells you she wants more and it's everything or nothing, then nothing it is.

And the fact is, if you were friends initially, you might not be again. "I slept with a friend a few times when we'd both just come out of long term relationships," says Dave, 29. "It was a mistake. We crossed a boundary and we couldn't be good friends any more."

That's not unusual. Sleeping with friends complicates matters. It has to be exactly the right thing for both of you if you want it to end well.

Letting go
And end it will. That's the point. If it didn't end it would be a relationship, and if that's not what you want then at some point you have to go back to being friends without benefits.

When that time comes, both of you have to back away quickly and quietly. If she doesn't want to be your once-in-a-while lover anymore, respect it. No pleading phone calls or amorous texts at closing time. If you do stay friends, it might be a good idea to avoid being alone together for a few months after the benefits have ended.

You should also be discreet. Her future boyfriends and your future girlfriends won't be comfortable knowing about your intimate arrangement, and she won't appreciate being gossiped about.

It's a difficult trick, but if you're both focused on the mutual satisfaction of physical needs and at a time in your lives when you really want to avoid commitment, no strings attached can work. But the dangers are real. It risks friendships, and if lust starts morphing into love, it may even cost you a higher emotional price than you bargained for.

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User comments
Just saying, if you want ONLY a NSA relationship then I recommend you follow my advice. Times have changed. It seems values of our society have almost done a 180. I've only skimmed some of the comments made so far and can honestly agree with 'it's up to the individual'. If they're not hurting you or anyone else, then so be it, leave them at it, go along with your own business and let others deal with theirs, without being so prematurely judgmental. To slighty change the subject, I've recently learned of a dear friend having an affair with a married person. (For those concerned, Lucy is a pseudonym). Although my varied experiences in NSA are vast, I have never and will never cheat on my spouse. I do have to admit to the two encounters I had with men that were already 'taken'. Well guess when I found out about their being 'taken'? Obviously after the deed. I vowed to never speak to those men again. Moral of the story, find out all the facts before you judge, or have sex for that matter.
I don't agree with Tony's no sex before marriage view, but I disagree with 'frozen's first point even more. The "nearly 50% of marriages" that results in divorce due to unfaithful sex...is due to ppl not having the discipline to be faithful...because, and Tony is very right, that ppl no longer have the values to sustain a long term healthy and happy relationship. It's the liberal attitude toward sex in the first place that is creating that cheaters attitude. I'm a kiwi unfortunately, and it cracks me up how pretentious alot of u get with your liberal ideals, particularly in regard to sex. You cheat on each other, then excuse yourselves with the typical liberal excuse of "but it's our carnal instinct, of course we're gona do it". Seriously is life really that good that you no longer have to show discipline or effort...no it's not. Three choices spring to mind, join a swingers club, cheat for sexual excitement and be single, or the most common happiest option, stay married with effort.
Agree with Frozen. The original Tony is right, but the one talking about "only for marriage" is way out! Seriously, people won't save themselves for marriage, it doesn't work like that. I'm sure most people you meet will have a handfull of sex partners in their past - nothing wrong with that. For the record I think no strings results in many strings, just sayin.
Sex isn't just for married couple if it is then why is it the nearly 50% of marriage ending up divorcing their other half for being unfaithful now days. I know it is how it used to be, how in the past, people devote their selves to the person they married and promised to love forever. I have nothing against that at all , but people change they can have relationships that they think have no meaning or be with that person just cause they need the comfort of ones company, they can keep doing what they are doing but I hope that they learn form their mistakes and heart breaks. I've always belived when you give your body to that person make sure to give it to someone you trust and and share the same feeling while in each others presence, submitting your body to someone that you have no feelings for or just want the cheap pleasure is totally up to you but make sure you don't regret in the end.
at Tony "Sex is for marriage" Go back to church mate, u archaic fuddy duddy! Sex is awesome and there is nothing wrong with expressing our carnal pleasures outside of marriage. Guys like sex, girls like sex. Why not just have sex? There doesn't have to be any "official" relationship if both people are cool with it.
What a hilariously antiquated opinion you have there, Tony.
Just one rule , If i txt u wanting it i want it now, figure out a way to get there or get out
Sex is for marriage - am disgusted at the values of men and women these days.
Lucy, you are one messed up woman. It's seriously depressing that people like you are out there with your ridiculous opinions and sense of values. Enough said.
Just realised my couple of years of no strings attached has resulted in many a man falling with mostly amicable departures. So, as someone commented, ultimately one is going to fall for the other BUT there is hope. 1) I think it helps both parties to have other partners and or 2) if there is some undesirable characteristic present in BOTH parties, it makes it A LOT easier to have no strings attached sex. So my advice, make sure you're seeing other people and they're seeing other people before you "commit" and make sure you both continue to see other people - don't make it exclusive. Lastly, if there's something about them that you find undesirable (e.g. personality, physique) then that's great because hopefully you're unlikely to fall for them ALSO keep in mind their flaw if you feel you're about to fall. But most importantly, make sure they don't find you too desirable. If they hate women that wear make-up, wear make-up when you see them! If they prefer clean-shaven, don't shave!