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What she might be hiding from you

By Hugh Wilson
What she might be hiding from you
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Women are sooo sweet. While you keep all sorts of grubby secrets from your girlfriend — your lust for her flatmate, your huge debts, your Facebook flirtations — she keeps nothing from you, because she has nothing to hide.

She is as innocent as a newborn lamb.

Right?

Wrong!

In fact, women are awash with surreptitious passions and hidden longings. Even when you think you know her well, she'll have a secret life every bit as active as your own. She'll never let you in on it, but here are some of the things she might be hiding from you, and what they could mean for your relationship.

She tells her friends everything
And we mean everything, from your performance in the sack and the state of your haemorrhoids to your uselessness with power tools. We don't mean she tells colleagues or occasional acquaintances, of course. But she'll have one or two special friends who will know it all. They'll know what you argued about, how completely in the wrong you were and how pathetic your attempts to put things right were.

Oh, and it works both ways. Mention something in a weak (or drunken) moment to one of these friends and she'll know about it within an hour.

She has lusts
And not only for you. You know you have that fantasy about the girl in marketing, and that other one about the older woman you see every day on the train, and that one about your girlfriend's sister? Well, she has the hots for other men too, and some of them may be entirely inappropriate (your best friend? Your dad!). She's just a bit subtler about it.

She's bad with figures
In particular, she's bad with figures — like the number of men she's slept with, how many significant exes she's had, and how many times she's said "I love you" before she said it to you. As a general rule, take the number she gives you and add a third again, and you'll be somewhere close to the truth.

She fakes orgasm
You know that women do this, of course, and you realise your girlfriend probably did it with her cack-handed oaf of an ex. But she'd never do it with you. Why would she, with your demon technique?

She wouldn't, would she?

Yes.

She compares you
Bad news. You did not gallop into her life like the proverbial shining knight and knock all her exes into a cocked hat. You'll come up trumps in many of her comparisons (she's with you, not them, after all), but she still remembers Steve's torso, the thing Mark did with his hands, Bob's generosity and even sad James's way with a wok.

Sometimes, she may even fantasise about the perfect man, mixing some of your best traits with a few from the men she has known in the past. She will never, ever, tell you about this.

She's checked out your exes
She's googled them, or looked at their Facebook or MySpace pages, or followed them on Twitter, or simply rifled through all those old photos you keep at the back of your wardrobe and sneered at any featuring unidentified women in bikinis. If she came across any involving you, an ex and nudity, she may have thrown them out.

She's imperfect
Until that point when you move in together and the awful truth becomes unavoidable (though even then she'll try to keep it from you), you'll never realise just how much work it takes for her body to look that good. Yep, hairs sprout where they shouldn't, spots erupt in the most unlikely places and dark circles and baggy skin plague her waking hours. But when she meets you, she's tweezed, waxed, exfoliated, moisturised and made-up to perfection. The extent of her imperfection is her little secret.

She wears awful underwear
You only see the sexy stuff (for now), but she has granny pants, greying pants and underwear she wouldn't even show her best friend. If you ever come across them hanging on the clothes horse, she'll claim she uses them for cleaning her windows.

She likes old-fashioned
She's a high-powered career girl with her own flat, a savings account that puts yours to shame and a well-developed sense of female empowerment. But if you ask her to split the bill on the first date you'll never see her again — even if she appears to insist.

Secretly, she wants flowers, chivalry, the full romantic nine yards. But she'll keep it from you, if only to test your romantic credentials.

She knows your secrets
Her biggest secret is that she knows your secrets. She's found your porn stash, witnessed your drunken attempts to disguise a wandering eye and has a good idea that your claims of financial security and professional success are somewhat exaggerated.

And knowing these things, she either finds them hilarious (you're turned on by that!) or will hold onto them until she can use them against you.

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User comments
I can honestly say this, when I was 20 something , that would not be true. Now Im 35 something , that is entirely true actually, well at least 80 percent of it. We do tend to remember little things about our ex's, most of us absolutely do notice how you treat us on the first date and while we generally will offer to pay you are exactly right, its unlikely there will be a secound date if you let us pay . Your'e not just getting our approval on the first date, believe it or not youre also getting "the girls" approval. Oh and we're not machines,, of course we fake it from time to time. wake up guys.
i loved this, especially the last point "she knows all your secrets" Me to a T!
not all girls are like this. thanks for stereotyping normal NZ girls based on American Hollywood crap. you make girls look bad (a bit over the top isn't it?) and sympathizing with men's weaknesses. must be a man who wrote this. I hope your girl grill you alive for this. oh wait...do you even have a girlfriend? oops! woman-hater!
Joey is a prick.
Joey is awesome. I needed that advice.
lol joey... i like your way of solving theses problems haha
Tell her to piss off