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Oops! She caught you looking at other women

By Dr Pam Spurr
Oops! She caught you looking at other women
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Relationship and behaviour expert Dr Pam Spurr reveals the thoughts that race through a woman's mind when she catches her partner gazing at another woman.

Let's face it, men's eyes wander. It's human nature to notice others — particularly attractive ones.

Consider our evolutionary biology: mate selection is initially based on first impressions of physical attributes. From these attributes you quickly clock whether someone's healthy and fit to mate with.

I'm sure you can feel the 'but' coming on, can't you? But the problem is there's a massive difference between a sly glance at an attractive woman and a bad case of wandering — or AWOL — eyes.

Come on, we all know you look at foxy females when we're not with you. But we think quite rightly you should only have eyes for us when together.

Prepare for ballistic reactions
When you forget yourself, letting your look linger a touch too long where it shouldn't, watch out. I remember the photos of Geri Halliwell's boyfriend Henry Beckwith where he couldn't stop himself eyeing-up a beach beauty. Geri went ballistic and rightly so — it's just plain bad manners and worse.

You might think a look doesn't justify fireworks. But if you want to know what your girlfriend's thinking when you dare make this mistake, think of Geri's rant. Women are infuriated by this behaviour.

We're comparing ourselves to her
We immediately compare ourselves to the girl that's caught your eye. Our thinking is along the lines of "what has she got that I haven't?" If the comparison isn't completely favourable in our direction — you're in trouble... big style.

So heaven help you when she's attractive. Because then our thinking runs wild. The problem lies with this fact that we always compare ourselves to other women.

We hate doing it and know we shouldn't, but regardless we start thinking how we stack-up to female friends and colleagues etc. Meaning we don't want to feel added pressure to make even more of these comparisons because you couldn't keep your eyes under control for a nano-second.

Another level
If you happen to have an insecure girlfriend (sadly, all too common) she'll take it to the next level. She'll think you're fantasising about that woman, you want to chat her up, marry her... I know, a bit crazy.

You're now entering dangerous territory. You may be savvy enough to know a lingering look doesn't mean any such thing but if her confidence is low she'll think the worst.

That said, occasionally a woman won't be fazed when your eyes roam. Unfortunately, she's a fairly rare creature — supremely confident and understanding — she knows it doesn't threaten her when an attractive woman's around.

And luckily for you if we clock that actually the woman you're checking out isn't 'all that' we'll quickly calm down, accepting you're just being a bit of 'a boy' noticing some random woman.

What to do if you're caught out with a bad case of AWOL eyes?

Here are five thoughts to see you through:
1. Doh! You've gone and done it — you can try to blag your way out of it if you're good at lying by claiming you were looking at something else in her direction. "I didn't even notice that woman," you protest. If you're that good of a liar to get away with this ploy though, I'm a bit worried about you.

2. A compromise is to fib a little bit. Own up to having noticed her but immediately swear she's not a patch on your girlfriend. This can be a close call — you might be believed, or maybe you won't.

3. If you're feeling brave take the honesty route, confess you noticed "that woman", apologise for the lingering look, and then leave it at that. Honesty doesn't mean making a big deal out of 'fessing-up just how hot she was.

4. Phew, the worst's out of the way. Learn this lesson: if you clock a gorgeous girl from the corner of your eye an internal alarm should sound. Avert your stare immediately. Instead look at your girlfriend and ask her a quick question to keep you focused on her.

5. The danger has passed and you can breathe a sigh of relief. You'll soon find that you only have eyes for your partner... with maybe a crafty, quick glance at that other woman too — it is, after all, only human nature.

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User comments
When I catch my guy staring, and they do, it's normal, I'll make a comment to him about one of her attributes. Like "wow, she is tidy!!" or "check out the rack on her" whatever seems to be the bit that caught his attention. We all like to look at pretty things, as long as he's not being a sleaze about it. He is really good about it though, he'll normally play her down, and say "she's not really my taste, or nothing on you though" and not look again. So I guess I'm lucky. He doesn't take well to people checking me out though!!
Funny thing is, women always go on about double standards, but they can check out men, if we're expected to pay, but its sexism if we earn more money and when was they last time you saw a man throwing a public tantrum for being dumped? We ever through your clothes into the front yard? didn't think so
used to rark me big time for roving eyes, the killer blow came when she wailed at me for checking out an (admittedly damn tasty!) older woman driving a lovely merc convertible. Of cause I was staring at her, it was 5.30 pm in rush hour traffic and I had to give way to her. Women never ever check out men, it's a proven fact.
charles can't help it really. But yea guys if you really want to look at hot girls, just point out something wrong with her, you know its a win win..
Some girls are just wanting to be looked at - low cut tops, short skirts, waist exposed etc. I suspect though that this provocitive dressing is more to impress other women as is just about anything women do - hair, make up and so on and not about attracting other mens attention. The thing is though men are definately visually attracted and we just can't help but stare - just like a nice shiny car with nice mag wheels. If you don't like it dress accordingly.
Five thoughts to see you through.... one and two tells you to lie.... and three comes in as be honest? Great advice.. lie..... that will get you through men. That said, occasionally a woman won't be fazed when your eyes roam. Unfortunately, she's a fairly rare creature Yes, we women are so insecure it is only the rare woman that can be secure enough to understand that men look at other women... ***. The "expert" advice contradicts itself here... sad if men actually believe this drivel. It is human nature to look, are men insecure when their women look at other men or is he a rare creature who is unfazed? Presuming Dr Pat is a female... makes me cringe. at what she wrote.
I have been on the other end of this man trying not to look at me. I could feel his eyes on me where ever I was. When it was time to leave this guy comes up and says "I have to say your phenominally hot" etc all I could do was say thank you and left. I was really annoyed as his wife was there with him. If he was my partner he would not of got away with that disgusting behaviour. I was not flattered, I felt how disrespectful he was talking to me with his wife sitting at the table nearby and I didnt want to bring more attention to this idiots behaviour. lol I have to add the girls were not on display either
Well I'm ok with my partner doing the odd glance or innocent glimpse so to speak. We're all curious when it comes to beauty, myself included. But if he was to just STARE blatantly at another attractive woman whilst with me, I won't lie, THAT would totally annoy the sh*t outta me. Not only does it make him look like a sex-crazed sleazoid, it's just disrespectful to do that with your good lady by your side. I can't stand guys who do that, whether they're with me and oogling some other lass, OR if it's ME their perving on - it's just plain RUDE and CREEPY. Thankfully my guy is utterly respectful of these kind of things and we are both able to "look" at other attractive people without it being an issue.
I agree with W.Christchurch comment.If the relationship is Hot solid there's no need to be mad or feel threatened.It goes both ways men will always look at other females and women too will always look at Hunk Males.
I'm not offended if my husband looks at another woman. He tries not to and promptly tells me he was observing her necklace or whatever but I honestly don't care. I wish he'd just say, "Woah! Did you see the melons on her??!" Who can blame men for staring? I'd probably be staring too. If a lady's got her goodies spilling out it's like a car accident - you can't help but stare. And if she's just plain good-looking, same thing. I like pretty people, I want to observe and admire them too. If your relationship is solid, there's no need to feel threatened.